We’ve all been there.
You feel like you’re putting on a show, you don’t feel good enough.
You’re afraid that someone will see through your mask.
You’re scared of being humiliated.
The story goes on and on.
It’s excruciating.
I know, because I’ve been there. I’ve wanted to give up in frustration. I’ve battled my inner demons.
Luckily, there is a way out.
When You Feel Like a Fraud — The Video
We’re all human.
That means we experience the full rainbow of thoughts and emotions.
The answer has never been about eliminating certain emotions, but learning to relate to them differently.
Watch the short video below and then read on:
Why Do We Feel This Way?
Even though I’ve been making a living doing what I love since 2009, I still sometimes feel like a fraud.
Why?
Well, I feel like I should be better. I dismiss what I’ve achieved, and instead compare myself to an ideal created in my head.
I think I have to be an expert. I think I have to pretend to be someone I’m not.
I forget that all I have to be is me.
I’m fooled by the stories in my head about who I should be, and what I should know.
I construct a virtual hell and think it’s real.
How I Deal with Feeling Like a Fraud
I’ve been meditating for quite a while.
Meditation has helped me relax. It has helped me see that feeling like a fraud doesn’t make it so.
(Meditation is not a requirement. If it resonates with you, go for it.)
It’s a pattern within me. Something I’ve learned. A strategy. And since it’s a pattern, it can be disrupted.
Here are a few steps that I find helpful:
1. Notice the Pattern
What’s going on underneath the feeling?
I can see the thoughts dancing in my mind. I can watch them without getting involved, kind of like walking through a busy marketplace without buying anything.
I’m afraid of not knowing enough, afraid of being challenged.
I see the pattern, the thoughts, and the accompanying feelings. When I’m able to let it all be, it passes.
But sometimes I’m having a bad day.
However, having a bad day is an opportunity face this fear head on.
But it starts with watching myself. Watching how I make myself suffer. Noticing what thoughts I believe, and how they give rise to my internal world.
Here’s a short video on how we create our experience of life:
2. Relax into Reality
Noticing the pattern isn’t like figuring out a puzzle.
It’s more akin to watching the sun lazily crawl behind the horizon.
It’s a soft watching. I’m curious, yet I’m not too attached to what’s going on.
Doing this, I see that I am not my thoughts.
Thoughts come and go, but there’s something within me that remains untouched. There’s an awareness that is always present.
Seeing this helps me relax. I see that feeling like a fraud is a story I tell myself.
I have a thought about being a fraud, and I feel like a fraud. That’s how this experience is created and sustained. I don’t have to change the thought, just let it be.
Noticing patterns, and seeing the awareness behind it all has helped me see that I’m not alone in what I’m going through.
We’re in this together. We’re all dancing on the rainbow of life.
3. Beware of Expectations
Feeling like a fraud is, to a large degree, about pretending to be someone you’re not.
I’m afraid that you’ll discover who I truly am.
But how is this a problem if I’m not pretending to be someone I’m not?
I don’t claim to be an expert. I don’t know it all, nor does anyone else. Not even experts know everything, even though they may pretend they do.
I’m a fellow traveler. I share what I find on my journey.
However, it’s always wise to make sure I’m setting the right expectations.
If you feel like a fraud, and you’re pretending to be someone you’re not, you may want to reconsider what you’re doing.
If All Else Fails…
Grab a pen, and a notebook, and write down what you’re thinking. Do this for 15-20 minutes.
Uncensored.
Non-stop.
Keep writing until you run out of things to say, then write some more.
The less you feel like doing this, the more it’ll help.
Do this for a week, and you’ll uncover repeating patterns. You’ll become more aware of how you successfully make yourself feel like a fraud.
With this awareness, you’ll be more likely to catch yourself while it’s happening.
You’ll begin to see the thought-feeling connection. In other words, you feel your thoughts. And just because you feel like a fraud doesn’t necessarily make you one.
A Neat Summary
When I feel like a fraud, I get curious about what’s going on within me.
Remember, we often teach what we need to learn, which means we may never feel like we know enough.
But that’s okay.
I don’t have to know everything.
I’ve come to enjoy the uncertainty, and the journey to learning more, and then sharing what I learn with you.
And in the end, all I can do is follow my heart, and do what I can with what I have.
My thoughts may tell me I’m not good enough, but I keep moving forward.
Cheerio,
Henri
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you are great henri…
…thoughts similar in the book the trap of happiness (russ harris)…
mindfulness is the key…
Thanks Giovanni!
Henri …thanks a lot…whenever I am sunk and down… Your video gives me very apt solution… at the right time I am looking for. You are simply genuine.. That touches many hearts.
Thank you, Henri. I’d go even further and say that when you have a bad day it’s an opportunity to expand your consciousness and grow into a more mature version of yourself. Feeling like a fraud is always a sign that somewhere inside you know that there is a greater potential within. The challenge is to turn the ‘fraud feeling’ around into genuine enthusiasm.
That’s a great way of looking at it, Veronica. Thanks for the comment 🙂
It came in the right moment, I shared something on the 10th where I was talking about how we overwhelm ourselves by drawing perfect outcomes, get attached to it & so we start delaying, resisting….
It’s a lovely true article
Thank you Henri
hey Henri, we’ve already discovered who you truly are and we really like you, which is just a choice, same as choosing to maintain limiting self-beliefs. Yesterday I did an exercise where I had to write down a bunch of negative stories and thoughts I have about myself (which was way too easy I’m sorry to say!), commit to release these beliefs then burn the piece of paper. As you’d be aware, discovering what you say to yourself is as liberating as the burnoff!
Thanks Danielle!
Absolutely, just becoming aware of your own beliefs and patterns helps a lot. Sometimes it’s the only thing you need to do to start letting go.
Hey Henri, I have taken your invitation to speak my mind literally… so it’s a long comment! I’m so glad there are people like you who are able to articulate processes empathetically. Thank you.
This article has poignant timing for me. I have been going on a downward thinking cycle in the last few weeks or more, where first I obsess over how I’m not good enough, then I think:
‘I know better than to have these thoughts’ then:
‘I’m a complete failure because I can’t get out of this thought rut’ then:
‘What will my friends think of me when they realise that I’m actually not capable and so frightened of everything and unworthy’
It’s exhausting, I sometimes cry with frustration.
I’ve been here before around 3 years ago which prompted me to start meditating for the first time (which was initially beset with the thoughts ‘I can’t meditate, nothing is happening!) I stuck with it and had a regular practice and eventually forgot about judgement or outcomes of my experience.
The thing is, I felt so great that meditation became lower on my priorities and practice became less regular until I stopped completely a few months back.
Up until the point where I started meditation, I had been a chronic thinker and internaliser, I believe I have built up some solid neural pathways that make it fairly easy to slip back in to this habit. But I have also built up new pathways during a regular practise of meditation, so I’m treating myself to practice again and to wake up from my thoughts.
I tried Tonglen for the first time 2 days back, which really helped, I hope it’s permissible to post links Henri? About Tonglen: https://www.lionsroar.com/how-to-practice-tonglen/
Also the other track was to write down my main obsessive thoughts and really explored my statements. ‘Not good enough’: where is my scale here, what is my measurement of being ‘good enough?’
I came to the conclusion that if I really have to have a ridiculous confirmation of where I am on the good enough scale, then comparatively I’m a much better person than Hitler and heaps less smart than Einstein.
I’m my own person on my own journey, but I’m ‘normal’ and that is extremely liberating.
Hey Sarah!
Thanks for sharing that honest and helpful story.
I’m thrilled to hear that you’re seeing through your thoughts. And that you’re seeing that you’re not alone. We all have our problems and issues. If you’re human, you struggle with something. It’s a part of the game. The problems start when we think it should be otherwise.
As I’ve begun accepting even my resisting, things have gotten easier. Stressful thoughts can swirl around in my head, but I don’t have to get as involved as I used to.
Great stuff. Keep on rocking, Sarah 🙂
Wow, I can’t tell you the times your videos and/or posts have contained a message that speak to my heart. I am old enough to *ahem* be your mother and it amazes me the wisdom that you possess and all that I learn from you. There are things I would like to do and you are always an inspiration. Keep up the good work, your insights into life and living are a tremendous influence and often lessen my inner turmoil.
Thank you, Diana! 🙂
Thanks Henri
That is a great post. I too have to keep reminding myself that indeed I am not a fraud as long as what I am doing and saying comes directly from my soul. Many times because of issues in our lives we find it hard to believe that we deserve happiness, success and to become great.
If we truly believe in ourselves, work hard and persevere we deserve all the rewards we achieve and should never doubt ourselves.
thanks again
Absolutely, Rose!
Thank you for this.
Deena
Awesome Henri,
I am working on not slipping into feeling like a fraud – which is a form of not connecting with my own authentic values.
Great share, and enjoying your emails – thanks,
Bren
Nice one, Henri. You are a deep, Nordic soul ;).
This couldn’t have come at a better time.
I’ve been feeling down and out about work and like I’m not good enough. I’ve struggled with those kinds of thoughts and emotions regarding different areas of my life, for years.
Yet, I am where I am and have done what I’ve done. I’m okay.
Maybe it’s luck mixed with me taking the right actions at the time needed, even though I didn’t know what the future held.
Either way, I’m glad I’m not alone and I’m glad there are solutions to this.
Thanks for the post.
This came at the right time and Thank You very much
Hey Henri,
hope all’s well up at your place in Finland!
Great article!
I was dealing with that problem a long time, until I found out that we’re good enough when we do what we love.
And what is an expert?
Actually someone who knows a little bit more about a special topic, than most other people do.
Considering the 10,000 hours rule:
We really don’t have do be one of these 0.01 % super experts.
It’s like at the horse races: The nose a little further towards the finish line is good enough.
Have a great day
Holger
Thank you, Henri for sharing your inner thoughts. This helps us to recognize that we all struggle with this.
I do the same as your wise advice . . . I take time to explore my feelings and why I feel the way I do. I think it is human nature to feel like a fraud sometimes and be overwhelmed by all there is to know and how we might have expertise in an area, but still, don’t know it all. We then start to compare ourselves with others and this too leads to feelings of self-doubt. However, in the end, it is about being comfortable with who you are, the gifts and knowledge you possess at this moment in time. We don’t have to have everything figured out, which makes the journey of life that much more interesting. Thanks for a great post!
You’re in my head today. Exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you!
Hello from South Africa ! Thankyou for all your wisdom! I now understand that we all go through this as part of our journey to be what we truly are. Keep resonating!
This really resonated with me. I too often feel “…afraid of not knowing enough, afraid of being challenged.” Thank you for the reminder that I am perfect wherever I am at, and any feeling of being a fraud is just in my head.