Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Esther van der Wal
I was in Santiago de Chile to interview students and experts for my master’s thesis, when my husband dropped the bomb: he wasn’t sure if he would still be happy with me in the long run.
I was 26 years old and heading straight towards becoming a divorced woman. On another continent, no less.
Needless to say, I was heartbroken.
On top of it all, I got robbed right before leaving Chile and lost pretty much every physical item of value: my apartment keys, cell phone, USB stick with personal documents on it – and my passport. Others had, effectively, succeeded in robbing my identity.
The interviews had lost all sense of priority, and when I traveled back to the Netherlands, our house no longer felt like a home.
After some lengthy and emotional discussions with my husband, we decided to go on a long break.
I instinctively knew there was only one place I wanted to spend that period.
So I bought an open-ended ticket to Chile.
When Social Anxiety Kicks In
When I got back to Santiago, I was an emotional train wreck. The feeling of loss was overwhelming. Most of the time I felt exhausted, empty, and cold.
Doing interviews on social and political participation didn’t go that well, either.
Going to Santiago’s major universities to talk to students became a nightmare.
Can you sense the irony?
It took me days to gather enough courage to leave the house and bring my questionnaire and old school tape recorder. Sometimes, I’d turn around and go back home when I was already halfway there.
I was no longer the spontaneous, smart and funny Dutch girl that my Chilean friends got to know before the break.
I had turned into a trembling, alienated social phobic who didn’t dare to walk up to anyone and ask them for five minutes of their time.
How Irrational Fears Can Hold You Down
I remember walking around on this beautiful campus, the sun shining on my bare white legs, watching small groups of students sit in the grass with a sandwich and a book. Some discussed social uprisings and gas prices, others studied for an exam or made out with their girlfriend.
All I felt was a deep, endlessly sad sense of not belonging.
On those days, I seriously wanted to run home, hide under the covers and not wake up until my fear had passed.
And I beat myself up over it: what could possibly be so hard about asking a fellow student a few general questions about politics and social participation?
But social anxiety, like any fear, isn’t rational. I sat down, put on my sunglasses to prevent anyone from accidentally looking me in the eye and cried in silence.
5 Clear Steps to Overcoming Social Anxiety
Recovery was a slow process. It took me several months to finish 18 interviews. On my best days, I managed to go out there and do two, ranging from five to twenty minutes.
With three steps forward and two steps back, I started seeing light at the end of the tunnel.
There are five steps that helped me overcome social anxiety. I’d love to share them with you.
1. Look After Yourself
When you’re alone and completely out of balance, the best place to start is base camp.
Get plenty of sleep at night. Get out of bed in the morning. Shower. Dress. Treat yourself to hearty, healthy food.
Maybe your mind isn’t working with you, but at least your body will remain healthy.
Try doing the things you used to enjoy, such as reading or taking a walk in the park. Going back to basics and doing normal things is tremendously important to keep you grounded.
Open up. Share your fears.
Now, this may seem very counter-intuitive when you’re in the middle of a choking sea of awfulness, but the only way out is to admit you’re terrified.
Try thinking of a friend or family member that you trust. Call them, go over to their place – do whatever is necessary to get to speak to them, and tell them exactly how you feel.
This is a difficult step to take, but once you try it, you’ll be surprised at how many people have experienced episodes like this.
If they care at all about you, they will listen and support you, even if they don’t completely understand your irrational fears.
If talking about your social anxiety in person is still a bridge too far, start with writing about it (if you’re not much of a writer, substitute “writing” for “painting”, “singing” or any other activity that lets you express your feelings directly to another person).
Write about your fears on your blog, send an e-mail to a friend or family member or chat with them. Do a shout-out on Twitter. Speak from the heart and be as honest as you possibly can.
4. Get Angry
The emotions that come with fear can vary by the hour.
One minute you might feel very sad, the next minute you may become frustrated with your fruitless efforts, time-wasting and seeing how everybody else seems to find life so easy.
Use those moments of deep frustration and anger to give yourself a good old kick in the butt. Let that inner voice roar!
It might just be the little push you need to act, and once that’s over, you’ll feel relieved. At least you’ll have done something useful that day.
Yep, you’re reading this correctly.
If the opportunity arises and a friend asks you over for a barbecue (Chileans do this all the time) or salsa dancing night, do it. Even though you feel like utter crap: do it anyway.
Trust the person who invites you and try to forget about the things that keep you awake at night.
A change of environment, being with other people, possibly even dancing or playing a game will do you good.
Every step counts. Every smile you manage to get on your face is proof that you can do it.
Take the Long Way Home
To others, it might seem like a huge accomplishment: traveling to another continent, on your own, not knowing when you’ll return.
To me, it was a bare necessity.
I followed my instincts and I just knew going back to Chile was the only way. And I was right.
Over the course of the months, I slowly started feeling better about myself and my life. It wasn’t easy. But it was so worth it.
If you’re experiencing social anxiety like I was at the time, know that you’re not an idiot.
You are a very strong person for going through all these heavy emotions and you will succeed.
I promise you: in the end you will be able to live the life you want – without fear holding you back.